Everything is not fine.

On staying sober when life feels like it has imploded.

Aug 16, 2026

WARNING: Vulnerable post incoming.

The “this is fine” meme perfectly captures my life this summer.

Being an Enneagram 7 (which means I like to run from and avoid pain), I am really adept at not being honest about how I really feel about things. And being both a writer and a memorist means I can take any trauma and weave a life lesson out of it in the form of an Instagram post, or, in this case, a Substack article.

I celebrated five years of sobriety on June 20th, and that’s right around the time my life started to implode.

In recovery, we talk about doing “life on life’s terms,” which means accepting things as they are. More importantly, it means not numbing yourself or trying to run away. It means facing what’s in front of you, feeling all of your feelings, no matter how difficult they may be, and having the courage to change what’s within your power to control. Usually, that’s yourself and your actions.

First, it was my health.

Launching a book is a full-time job and a wave of emotions as you share your work with the world and start to watch how people respond. Thankfully, Goodreads readers have been very kind to me. And I have been so moved by the people who have turned up to my book release events and have supported me along the way. But all of that was mentally and physically exhausting, on top of still having to work my normal 9-5 job. I wasn’t sleeping or eating enough and wasn’t taking very good care of myself, and it all finally caught up with me.

I was out on Fire Island for what was supposed to be a relaxing week after running myself ragged on my book tour. Instead, my trip ended days early and with a trip to the emergency room for intense stomach pain. I was sent home, being told it was just food poisoning, but was back the next day with worsening symptoms. It turned out I had a bowel obstruction. So, I was admitted to the hospital.

NYC Pride Sunday 2026, Hospital Edition.

It was also Pride weekend in New York City, and I had to miss two book events and media opportunities. And while any gay man would love a handsome surgeon rearranging their guts on Pride, the one that was inside of me was removing damaged tissue and my appendix.

I ended up spending six days in the hospital, most of which were spent with a tube down my nose, and I was unable to eat or drink anything. It was dreadful. Thankfully, I made it through.

I came out of the experience with a renewed appreciation for nurses, doctors, and the wonders of the human body and modern medicine. And after seeing the bills come through in excess of $235,000, I’m thankful for good insurance but terrified by the state of our healthcare system.

In a follow-up appointment after my surgery, the doctor said many things could have contributed to my bowel obstruction, ranging from my GLP1 that I had to quit, a previous injury, or they said it could be brought on by stress.

When he asked if I had been under any stress recently, I laughed in his face and then started to cry.

So, we agreed to have my psychiatrist up my anxiety and depression meds.

Then, a relationship ended.

I won’t get into the nitty-gritty details because it’s still fresh, but I didn’t go to most cities on my book tour alone.

Someone special tagged along with me.

This person also moved into my apartment for a few months as we tested out living together and talked about building a future together. We went so far as to even look at engagement rings.

For someone who normally fights for my independence and my own space, this was a big deal for me. Over time, though, it became clear we had different ideas and expectations and couldn’t be what one another needed or deserved.

This all came to a head during my July trip to Fire Island and ended with him moving out and the relationship ending. It was necessary, but painful.

While it was the right decision, I regret how it ended. Even though I know it’s for the best, it still doesn’t undo the pangs of loneliness I’ve experienced since we said goodbye.

This person was by my side every single day for nearly four months through one of the most important moments of my life so far, and then he was just… gone.

My therapist has helped me navigate this over the last few weeks and is on a mission to get me to dust myself off and keep putting myself out there. I don’t know if I’m ready, but I trust him. So if you’re single, spiritual, and sexy, slide into my DMs.

And to top off an already emotionally-charged month, I got word that my grandmother’s health was rapidly deteriorating.

She was 97, and we truthfully lost her more than a decade ago to dementia. She was still in good spirits even if she didn’t remember what happened moments earlier. She still had a sharp wit and could recall stories from decades ago, and was called upon by many of the residents and staff of her nursing home for prayer. She was devoted to her faith until the very end and never wavered from sharing it with others.

I wanted to get home to see her but was limited in my ability to travel due to the surgery, so I scheduled a trip home to see her for the end of July as soon as I was cleared to fly, praying she’d hang on so I could see her one last time.

Going home is not easy for me. I love my family dearly, but so much about my hometown triggers strong emotions. And they aren’t always great ones. So, because I’m apparently a masochist, I decided to finally face a big fear and do a book event at my hometown Barnes & Noble while I was there. I wrote more about it here, but TL;DR, it went great and was a beautiful full-circle moment.

I made it home in time just as the hospice care nurse notified my family that my grandmother was slipping away. I was able to see her and hold her hand. And even though she never woke up, I sat with her and my mom, played her some of her favorite music from the Gaithers, and shared some of my favorite memories of my time with her.

Later the following day, she passed away peacefully in her sleep.

She will forever have a special place in my heart, and in the chapters of future books I hope to write one day soon.

So how have I coped with all of this?

Honestly, not well.

What I can say with pride, though, is that I’ve managed to stay sober through it all.

Any one of the major things I’ve faced in the last month would be enough to derail anyone, let alone having to face them all at once. But I put what I’ve heard preached to me in recovery meetings for the last five years into practice.

I asked for help.

I doubled down on going to meetings and showing up for others.

I got a new sponsor and have been communicating with him every day.

I’ve reached out to friends and have kept myself busy doing things I love, including seeing Les Misérables at Radio City Music Hall.

I’ve adjusted my meds and increased the cadence of sessions with my therapist.

I’ve read some great books: Fruit Fly, The Shards, and strayed far from my usual genre and started the Dungeon Crawler Carl series.

I’m back in the gym regularly now that I’m cleared for physical activity post-surgery.

I drew some clear boundaries for myself and for future relationships.

I got myself a beautiful ring at Cartier as a reminder to love myself first.

And I got back into doing the Morning Pages and other practices that keep me grounded and remind me that God will always do for me what I cannot do for myself.

Another slogan we often hear in recovery meetings is, “this, too, shall pass.” And when I didn’t believe it, my friends and sober community reminded me this is all temporary.

From showing up at the hospital, to sending flowers to my family, to having me into their homes for meals, to sending texts or calling to check in on me and sending me silly Reels, I’ve felt loved and supported.

I’m back on Fire Island this week. However, I am a little bit nervous about another surprise from the Universe lurking around the corner. I’m still navigating my way through what’s next, but I know that in facing the hard things and not running from reality, I can walk in peace knowing I’m not alone. God’s grace is with me, and I have an incredible community surrounding me.

I am not alone. I am loved. And I know this, too, shall pass.

To facing life on life’s terms,

P.S. - For even more frequent updates, don’t forget to follow me on Instagram, Threads, and sometimes on TikTok.

Learning to Use My Words

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