Speechless

A moment that reminded me why I'm doing this.

One of those “pinch me” moments seening my book next to David Sedaris’s in San Francisco.

The past 40 days since Conversion Therapy Dropout has been out in the world have felt like a blur. I’ve had so many surprises along the way, but there was one moment recently that took my breath away and renewed the urgency I feel to share my story.

When I started mapping out my book tour earlier this year, I was intentional about hosting most of the events in bookstores. Which, shout-out to all the incredible independent bookstores that have hosted me and to all the others who have stocked my book. I was also cautious about hosting events in churches, since the people I hope to reach through my book might not necessarily want to walk through a church's doors anytime soon.

But, last weekend, I did an event at Spero Dei in Nashville with my friend Matthew Paul Turner. I’ve heard so many great things about Spero Dei and the beautiful community they’ve created from so many people in Nashville, especially my LGBTQ+ friends. I had the chance to connect with the lead pastor, David Perez, earlier this year, and was honored and a little nervous when he asked if I would be a part of their Sunday morning services to help kick off Pride month.

In all of the years I worked in churches, minus the time I was asked to share my “ex-gay testimony,” when I was deep in conversion therapy, I’ve never graced the platform or pulpit of a church.

That was partially because of my aversion to being in the spotlight. But it was also because most of the churches I worked for only ever wanted me behind the scenes. Having a man struggling with his sexuality was too much of a liability for most of them. They preferred to have me contribute from behind a laptop keyboard or from their social media accounts.

So, all of what’s come with releasing this book has been an exercise for me in stepping out of my comfort zone, and in this case, onto the platform of a church.

Before Matthew and I took the stage, one of the worship team members, J.B. Somers, sang “Real Man,” which he co-wrote with my friend WHAT IS VITAL by MORGXN , who was at my release event in NYC. The song was the perfect set-up for our conversation.

Instead of a traditional sermon, Matthew and I did an interview where we talked about some of the core themes of my book and how I came to believe God’s lack of an answer to my prayers to change my sexuality was His answer. We talked about how healing from conversion therapy is a lifelong process, but how in the midst of it, I’ve reclaimed what faith looks like for me. And how sobriety enabled me to be able to share my story, and I hope my words will help ensure that a frightened queer kid, like I once was, will not feel like they have to choose between their sexuality and their spirituality.

After the service, I had so many great chats with different members of the congregation and was so thankful for their words of encouragement. But there was one conversation that stopped me in my tracks. And the moment was even captured by a friend who was taking pictures.

A teenage girl and her mother came up to me with two copies of my book and asked me to sign one for them and another for one of the girl’s friends.

When I asked for the person’s name, the girl, who must have been maybe fourteen or fifteen, said the boy’s name, and her voice cracked.

Her mother got tears in her eyes and embraced her daughter, who looked up at me and said, “he came out to all of us right before school was let out for the summer.”

“Oh, wow, that’s… great,” I said tentatively, not knowing how to meet the obvious emotion of the moment.

“Yes,” her mom affirmed. “But…”

“But his family wasn’t happy about it,” the girl said. “And he told us he and his family were going on vacation, but they sent him away.”

“To a conversion camp,” her mother added emphatically.

That’s when shock spread across my face, and I was utterly speechless.

“They even took his phone away,” the girl said. “And none of us know when he’s coming back.”

Her mother added, “The only way anyone knew what was happening was that he managed to sneak away and used a landline to let one of his friends know what was happening. We’re all heartbroken over this.”

“And I want to give him a copy of your book as soon as he gets back,” the girl said, her voice shaking.

“We don’t know when that will be,” her mother said, “but we will do all we can to support him.”

I’ve never once doubted that God had a reason for me writing my book. I have sensed and felt something bigger behind it at work from the beginning. But that moment. That interaction sealed it for me.

I have thought about that boy every day and have prayed for him. I pray for his protection. I pray for his heart. I pray for his soul. I pray for his parents. I pray that their hearts and minds may be changed. I pray that wherever he is, he will sense God’s presence and have the strength and courage to withstand whatever he may be going through right now. And I thank God for this girl, her mother, and churches like Spero Dei. And I pray that this poor boy will be able to heal from this experience and be protected from further harm. I pray he will come to learn the truth that he is fearfully and wonderfully made, and loved just as God created him to be.

If you’re the praying type, and even if you’re not, would you please take a moment to send some healing energy and love his way?

I don’t know if my book will ever find its way to him. But I pray that, even if it doesn’t, I’m grateful to know that this girl and her mother, and many others, will be placed along his path to help support and affirm him.

Conversion therapy is still happening. Some people opt in to it, like I did, believing it’s their only option. And others, like this poor boy, are forced into it by well-meaning parents, who have no idea what irreparable harm they are exposing their children to, even when they think they are doing the right thing. Or the righteous thing.

There are so many other LGBTQ+ youth who are in a similar position right now, and I want to do all I can to protect them through sharing my story, supporting survivors, and encouraging our community and allies to do all we can to see these harmful practices end.

With Colorado recently passing a bill to protect LGBTQ+ youth and extending the statute of limitations for people impacted by conversion therapy, to the Vatican acknowledging the “extreme harm” it causes, and signs that the UK is closer to banning it altogether, there are certainly signs of hope. But we still have a lot of work to do.

I’m headed back out on the road this weekend and am excited to be joined by Garrard Conley, author of Boy Erased, in Atlanta on June 20. Details here. And I look forward to more opportunities coming up to continue spreading the word. Check out all of my other upcoming events here.

Immense thanks to everyone who purchased a book, posted on social media, shared reviews, and attended the various release events. I’m so grateful for your support.

Much love and Happy Pride,

P.S. - For even more frequent updates, don’t forget to follow me on Instagram, Threads, and sometimes on TikTok.